im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize