I'm laying in your front yard are you home
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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