I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
