community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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