He kissed a someone with a penis
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
