Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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