mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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