1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He better not be in your backpack
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
