I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
