By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
