i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
