i need an iv and a liver transplant
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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