Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
