i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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