I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
