You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
