I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
