so explain again why im purple
no
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
