ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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