also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
