dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
