i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
