this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
