If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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