I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
