Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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