hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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