I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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