People in love make me want to vomit
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize