textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
