I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
