he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
