you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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