you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
