If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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