Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
