i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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