Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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