So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
