if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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