I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
