Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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