He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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