how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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