Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Randomize
