How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
