mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Gay?
German.
Pity.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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