Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
