I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
