I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
