Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
