So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
