a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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