my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
