I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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