You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
