it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
