marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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