i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Randomize
