dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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