Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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